Dear Table 55,
What the fuck was your fucking problem? Sure, you had that trailer park glow, but everything seemed fine until I dropped off your food and offered you freshly ground pepper. You looked at the pepper mill like it was a fucking unicorn. “Wow!” You said. “Where do you get one-a…
I want to vent, but I want to make sure that noone assumes that I’m venting about them directly.
I’m mostly just upset with myself for the stupid nonsense I get myself into, time and time again. I don’t even know how I do it. I love… a lot. I love all of my friends so much, and my family…. and I love my boyfriend dearly.
But I somehow always manage to fuck shit up….I’ve been nothing but a waste of space lately, and a doctor’s appointment today confirmed that I’m seriously off my fucking rocker. I’m thinking about playing the hermit role for awhile, or be an ostrich and hide my head in the sand. Let things figuratively blow over; this way if I’m making a mess of anyone’s life, it’s just my own.
We’ll see. For now I shall punish myself in my own silly ways until I deem myself worthy of friendships and the people I love again. Either way… just letting you all know that I’m sorry for any shenanigans that may have inconvenienced you, and that I just…. really needed to vent. Ha.
It dawned on me about an hour ago… due to some random drama, that I have not posted in my tumblr blog for awhile!
What’s the point of having a tumblr blog if I’m not going to keep it relevant and up to date? I guess I could make excuses like “blah blah I’ve been so busy with work and school and my super demanding-high-pressure-stressful-rocket-science-Olive Garden serving job. In reality, any of you who know me well know that this is all a lame attempt at sarcasm.
So let’s start with the things that IIIII feel I need to express.
I’ve been doing a lot of backtracking in my mind as of late, and I’ve been putting things into perspective. I finished the school year on a positive note, and did well. I only have 2 things I really need to worry about this summer. Well maybe 3, depending on how proactive I become, and to what degree I decide to get my ass in gear.
First- gotta get through that stupid accounting class. Enough said.
Second- gotta get through treatment. Successfully this time. I promised a certain special someone that I’d at least try to do 111. So I’ve got about 15 pounds to go, and then there’s maintenance and everything that comes with it. But I’ve realized it IS all about baby steps, and I’m hopeful. I have a lot of good friends and family that love and support me.
I have a new boyfriend named Mark who I’ve really grown to care about a lot. I’m not going to go into too much detail due to the fact that I respect his privacy, but one thing I will say is that the relationship feels like the right fit. He accepts me and the package of bullshit/baggage that comes with me and is nothing but supportive. This is something that means more to me than I could ever try to express.
So now I have a mini-rant. Something that’s been on my mind today that I’d like to get out, and once it’s out there, I’ll make peace with the situation and move on.
Truthfully, I don’t like to call it a rant. I’m not “mad” per se, but I do become concerned when people I care about are involved.
Anyhow. We all know blogs like this are more or less a liability of sorts. We are responsible for the consequences of whatever we post here. Honestly, I do NOT mind who reads this, and I have no ultimate goal that comes with it, besides the general need to get my own thoughts out of my head and into words. The people who I know read this are free to interpret it however they want and for whatever reason.
If you don’t know me, or anything about me… I understand you’ll probably form an opinion of me based on what you’ve read here. This is fine, but you have to realize this is just one facet. It’s the same as reading a random journal. And how do I put this delicately….
Using information read here to meddle with someone’s life or to sway their choices is both alarming and sad. Most of my reader’s are at a point in their lives where they’ve (hopefully) learned how to respect or at least deal with their fellow people’s choices (as well as their own) and live comfortably in side by side in their communities. However, I suppose this isn’t always the case. And so I ask you all respectfully to remember that were all human, that we’ve all jumped through hoops to get where were at and live comfortably, and that we all have a common goal of finding happiness, whatever that may be. If we care about people, we should respect their decisions and try our best not to manipulate or get in the way of them. Or at least give each other a chance to make these decisions. If we end up worse off because of them, the loving, genuine thing to do is to THEN step in and make our opinions known, or throw a life raft where needed. Interfering beforehand rarely ever proves to be effective and will probably drive a stake through the friendship. It also demonstrates a persons true colors and motives. Personally speaking, I can’t have much respect for someone who sneaks around behind my back to warn my friends of my flaws and issues because they “worry” about me. It’s childish, and shows weak character. So let’s all keep this in mind.
With that said, my slate is clean, and I’m getting set for a couple of weeks of awesome gigs!
Friday- Bohemia with Souvs and Basic Space
Tues the 24th- Wunderbar with Elise Reneau
June 7/14th? Troubadour Tues at Brixx with Elise once again.
Need more deets? Talk to me on the ol’ facebook device. I’ll send ya the event links. ;)
Thanks for reading!
Today is really awesome. Today is bittersweet.
Today I feel strong.
My scale!! Were becoming good friends again!! Today it reads 104.2.
I give myself one more week (or so) and I’ll be under.
Also, I had a really amazing night last night, and I felt beautiful for the first time in a loooonnggg ass time. I feel pretty and glowy and
thin … smaller?
I feel so strange doing this; I promised myself I’d keep my negative thoughts and personal life to myself after last year. It’s proven to be peaceful. I don’t have to worry about that others might worry about me.
I need to get some things off my chest. Or at least let them hang out in the hemisphere for awhile for anyone to read… I’ll pretend someone knows and thinks about what I’ve said.
It hasn’t been an easy year so far. Saying this makes me angry, because I’m pretty sure I’ve said it every year for the past….5? 6? I know for a fact that I make things much harder for myself than need be. I’m thinking I may need to simply compartmentalize. Honestly, it’s strange- so many facets of my life are positive and have me feeling lucky when I think about them. And then it comes down to this one major issue in my life that I haven’t been able to get past… my eating. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I’ve been doing well, and have almost felt… human, eating human, living like a human, but then something happens, and it’s ALWAYS different when it does happen, so I don’t know how to prepare myself..
But it’s like… the rain comes down, and I become upset and lose my appetite and focus on the specific issue. Meanwhile in the back of my mind, my synapses are consipiring and misfiring and I start restricting my food intake. The results come, and I drop weight, and it fuels the addiction. And everything that goes up must come down; I eventually starve my body of nutrition for too long and end up bingeing where-ever, and whatever I can. With the binge comes purge, and I’m not too proud to admit that it happens anywhere and everywhere.
Luckily for me this time around (wooo, relapse 2011) I’ve managed to keep a tight seal on the bingeing. I figured it might stop the purging, and I hoped in vain that I might be able to let myself keep eating, even small amounts…
As it stands, it’s 4 months into 2011 and I feel like the shittiest, most worthless person alive. I’m half-sorry for being emo, but the other half of me feels relief for finally being able to get it out. I eat on average, 400-700 kcals per day,and IN those calories, anything that contains more than 1g of fat I throw up. My hands shake all day long, I feel dizzy and miserable, and I’ve found blood in my puke for the last month. Sometimes I puke after I drink juice or anything liquid because I don’t like feeling full.
I take 15 laxatives a day which has fucked up my stomach worse than I’d have ever imagine, and I exercise obsessively these days.
I really can’t talk to anyone openly about it, and when I consider talking about it, I feel the deepest sense of shame, and really… mostly just selfish for even considering putting it out there for someone else to deal with. It’s my own grave that I’ve dug, and I should lay in it-type deal. I know I should go through treatment yet again, and talk to my rents about it and such, but I feel extremely discouraged, and lack the energy to even WANT to do so.
I guess the reason I’m writing this is to let some of you(well- whoever bothers to read it-)know why I probably haven’t seem like (or won’t seem like) the smiley, happy Victoria you all know. And really, I need a break. I need to have some time to destress and figure out what the hell I’m going to do.
Thank you for reading, and being an extraordinary friend. You all know who you are.
1. Stop feeling so guilty about everything.
2. Get myself some sensible shoes.
3. Work harder (or work smarter) at school.
4. Do better on finals than I did on midterms. Ha. Shouldn’t be too too hard.
5. Stay away from men. They are Lucifer.
6. Somehow mend my broken heart.
7. Start eating. Or stop eating. Anything is better than the stupid amount of times I’ve been throwing up over the last week- week and a half. It’s fucking awful.
8. Make a shit ton more girlfriends. Bond with said girlfriends.
9. Try not to feel so incompetent and bad about myself all the time.
10. Work out everyday…. and don’t half-ass it.
11. Sing everyday. Singing is a self-healing tool.
12. Buy a goddamn banjo already.
13. Get a real, legit massage.
14. Figure out how to be happy.
15. Love my friends and family even MORE than I already do!
16. Work on my dreads.
17. Finish all the half-written songs.
18. Moisture my dry-ass skin more.
19. Laugh way too much. :)
20. Listen more. Talk less.