Mental purge——-………

I feel so strange doing this; I promised myself I’d keep my negative thoughts and personal life to myself after last year. It’s proven to be peaceful. I don’t have to worry about that others might worry about me.

But…

I need to get some things off my chest. Or at least let them hang out in the hemisphere for awhile for anyone to read… I’ll pretend someone knows and thinks about what I’ve said.

It hasn’t been an easy year so far. Saying this makes me angry, because I’m pretty sure I’ve said it every year for the past….5? 6? I know for a fact that I make things much harder for myself than need be. I’m thinking I may need to simply compartmentalize. Honestly, it’s strange- so many facets of my life are positive and have me feeling lucky when I think about them. And then it comes down to this one major issue in my life that I haven’t been able to get past… my eating. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I’ve been doing well, and have almost felt… human, eating human, living like a human, but then something happens, and it’s ALWAYS different when it does happen, so I don’t know how to prepare myself..

But it’s like… the rain comes down, and I become upset and lose my appetite and focus on the specific issue. Meanwhile in the back of my mind, my synapses are consipiring and misfiring and I start restricting my food intake. The results come, and I drop weight, and it fuels the addiction. And everything that goes up must come down; I eventually starve my body of nutrition for too long and end up bingeing where-ever, and whatever I can. With the binge comes purge, and I’m not too proud to admit that it happens anywhere and everywhere.

Luckily for me this time around (wooo, relapse 2011) I’ve managed to keep a tight seal on the bingeing. I figured it might stop the purging, and I hoped in vain that I might be able to let myself keep eating, even small amounts…

As it stands, it’s 4 months into 2011 and I feel like the shittiest, most worthless person alive. I’m half-sorry for being emo, but the other half of me feels relief for finally being able to get it out. I eat on average, 400-700 kcals per day,and IN those calories, anything that contains more than 1g of fat I throw up. My hands shake all day long, I feel dizzy and miserable, and I’ve found blood in my puke for the last month. Sometimes I puke after I drink juice or anything liquid because I don’t like feeling full.

I take 15 laxatives a day which has fucked up my stomach worse than I’d have ever imagine, and I exercise obsessively these days.

I really can’t talk to anyone openly about it, and when I consider talking about it, I feel the deepest sense of shame, and really… mostly just selfish for even considering putting it out there for someone else to deal with. It’s my own grave that I’ve dug, and I should lay in it-type deal. I know I should go through treatment yet again, and talk to my rents about it and such, but I feel extremely discouraged, and lack the energy to even WANT to do so.

I guess the reason I’m writing this is to let some of you(well- whoever bothers to read it-)know why I probably haven’t seem like (or won’t seem like) the smiley, happy Victoria you all know. And really, I need a break. I need to have some time to destress and figure out what the hell I’m going to do.

Thank you for reading, and being an extraordinary friend. You all know who you are.